nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she told me i tasted like america
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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