I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just cropdusted the office
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
