I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
