hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
