I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
