I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
