He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
