it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
