My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
