I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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