dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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