every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
