I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
