I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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