I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
