mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
