Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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