the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize