he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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