I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
