let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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