It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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