The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
