sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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