you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
3pm strippers are depressing
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
