I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Acid is not a monday night drug
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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