just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
