The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
how does that bad decision feel?
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