I think I won the penis lottery.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
