My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
