i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize