not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
