Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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