I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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