I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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