he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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