We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
