I wish my penis had an off switch
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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