I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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