the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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