I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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