so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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