i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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