mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
