Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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