I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
