Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize