even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
