Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
