he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
ok first of all what the fuck
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
