the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
