peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I think my moral compass just broke
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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