he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
