I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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