you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
