I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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