I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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