dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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