fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my sisters under your porch take her home
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
BRING THE BAGELS
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
