you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize