I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize