My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Watching her eat just hurts me
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
