A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
