I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
