TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
